I believe in loving purely and freely because without doing so, the significance of your love is greatly diminished. I am learning that this doesn't mean you have to be a door mat to those you love, but you can still love that person unconditionally even if it means separating your other emotions from the situation (even the perceived positive ones). For example, I have recently learned that loyalty should not mean self-sacrifice. Sometimes you must be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to anyone else. I have wasted some loyalty and a lot of time on someone not truly deserving… simply because I thought it was the “right” thing to do, but I have come to the realization that in the meantime I have been disloyal to myself and my feelings/wants/needs/desires. Pulling away from someone who wants me to stay doesn't come natural for me; Not sure that it does for anyone. But at what point will I say enough is enough? Until then, I struggle with knowing that I missed out on someone who was everything I ever hoped to find but never thought I would. If only I'd had the strength to leave a long time ago, then maybe circumstances would have permitted a situation that is currently so far from attainable I can't see it ever happening in this lifetime. As much as I know it can't, my nights are spent dreaming of 'what if?'. It's torture. And in the meantime I stick around in an unhappy, unfulfilling situation thinking that I'm doing someone a favor, thinking that my sacrifice is somehow glorious when it's nothing more than cowardly.
Where is the line drawn? I've come here in hopes of answering that question and more… and to learn about myself and others in a place of positivity and enlightenment. I hope that this will lead to making better decisions in my life. God knows I have a lot of them on the table right now and while making no decision can often be the worst decision of all… right now that's where I'm stuck. I've been stagnant far too long and I know in my heart and I can feel it in my soul that moves to be made, but now to become un-paralyzed is the challenge with which I am faced. The paralyzation comes from my fear… FEAR of the unknown, the potential negative consequences, the possible regret, the havoc it can wreak on those that didn't ask for it, the thought of failing, and yes even FEAR of change even though change is what I need more than anything right now. All this is coupled with the fact that the person who motivates me to change probably has moved on, accepted that we can't be together, and more than likely doesn't think about me often. That thought is gut-wrenching because I think of him everyday, no matter what my mood or circumstances and I miss him.
I am at a cross-roads right now. A place I've never been and never anticipated being. I need a friend, I need someone with answers BUT I know both of these people are nowhere to be found in this world because the decisions that must be made are so fundamental and the results can be so life-altering that the only 'friend' I need and the only 'someone with answers' that I can rely on HAVE to come from inside me.
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